H is for Hands
Alan awoke one morning with two left hands. This was going to pose a problem, as he was right-handed. His wife had always accused him of having two left feet at the salsa lessons and now he had this to deal with.
“Sandra!” he called down the stairs, his voice echoing across the stucco paint and embossed wallpaper. He had always had a strong dislike for that wallpaper and had every intention of changing it but how was he supposed to handle a steamer now, in this condition?
“Sandra! Come and look at this, you’re not going to believe it.”
“Alan, I’m busy for chrissakes! The finale is on, you know I always watch the finale reruns.”
Tinny music wound up the staircase towards him, tendrils of saccharine entertainment reaching through the banisters.
“There’s a problem, you need to see this. I swear.”
Sanda thumped up the stairs with accompanying sighs.
“This better be a serious problem, because if it isn’t – I’ll be making one for you.”
Alan held out his hands and splayed his fingers.
“Well, what is it?”
“My hands! My thumb…I mean…it’s in the wrong place! It’s all backwards.”
“Alan, pack it in. There’s nothing wrong with you. We are all like that now. See?”
Sandra held up her hands and, sure enough, she had the same condition.
“When did this happen? What do you mean ‘we’re all like that now’?”
“Have you been on the breakfast juice again? It’s been five years. Remember? ‘The Great Calamity’? ‘The Ones Who Got Left Behind’? Lord knows, we were the lucky ones – almost everyone else is dead!”
Alan remembered none of these things.
“But…you always say I have two left feet when we dance…?”
“What I mean is that you are a terrible dancer.”
“I know that, but isn’t the saying somewhat redundant now?”
“On the contrary, it’s much more relevant. And anyway, if you put as much time into your Caminalas as your nervous breakdowns, we could be in the regionals by now. Not that there’s anyone around to watch them.”
Sandra folded her arms and walked out the room as Alan shrank back underneath the bed covers. He didn’t like today.